Follow your heart, they said. Do what you love and you'll find joy in your life, they said.
How many people had teachers in high school that encouraged you to take classes in post-secondary that aligned with your passions? Not focusing on money per se, but more so things that you actually liked?
While struggling in my early career, making peanuts upon peanuts I used to think back to those teachers and think, sure it's important to do what you like...but paying the bills is a little more important, isn't it!? I became a little irked that these teachers didn't tell my then, 17-year-old self to become a nurse because it is a pretty stable career with a good income—or—a geologist for an oil and gas company because that's where the big bucks are.
I followed my passions half-heartedly. I took an interest in graphic design and clung to it, as I knew this was one thing I absolutely love doing and have a non-stop appetite to continually learn about everything in the realm of graphic design. But I still had a day job with a steady pay cheque that involved a hint of graphic design, but not much. I spent hours upon hours at all times of the day, every day of the week fantasizing about leaving my job and being a self-employed, full-time freelance graphic designer. Working from the comfort of my home, hours that accommodated my schedule (not the mundane 9-5) and seeing the fruits of my labour by the amount of hard work I put in. The idea to leave my job terrified me though. Not receiving a steady pay cheque? What if I couldn't make it? What if I had to pick-up a part-time serving job at the age of 26? What if I end up having to serve for the rest of my life because I left the stepping-stone job to a long lasting career in communications? Wouldn't I be going backwards in life? Wouldn't I be doing the complete opposite of what society tells you to do? Then a profound amount of guilt would suffocate me. Why am I so ungrateful? People would be so happy to have the job that I have and experience that I have gained. Good jobs aren't easy to come by and I should continue going to work day each day and start being a little more grateful. These thoughts were a vicious cycle. Might I add that I had the flexibility to still do freelancing on the side as my job was four days a week. But things changed seven months ago when I gave birth to my beautiful baby, Mila (M).
I realized early on that as much as I wanted a successful career, to bring home the "cheddar" and be financially independant—I wanted to be a mum as well. A mum that was able to raise her child and spend every waking hour helping her grow into the best little human possible. I had numerous day dreams about leaving a steady pay cheque at an office job, and freelancing full-time before. Wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to make those dreams into a reality? I ignored this urge to follow my heart and take the big leap of faith because I now had a child, and if I thought I needed a stable pay cheque before she was born, I needed it more now. I have a huge responsibility to take care of her emotionally and financially. I want her to be able to participate in whichever activities and sports her little heart desires (I'm gunning for skiing and my husband hockey). How could I quit my job now? Might I add my husband sure didn't ask that I quit my job and be a financial burden to him. So after three and a half months, I sucked it up, ignored my gut feeling and went back to work (hubby went on paternity leave).
Every day I felt sick to my stomach. I felt it in my bones that I was repeatedly making the wrong decision each and every day that I would go to work. One day, I was playing with M and Moana was in the background. The movie had some pretty catchy tunes, and as I paid more attention to the movie, I realized that this Disney Movie—might I add a very good flick—displayed simple life values that I had been repeatedly ignoring. I understand that reality is far from a Disney Movie. But, following your heart? There's a point there that even my high school teachers ingrained in my brain at a young age. Why have I been continually lying to myself day in and day out, forcing myself to live a lifestyle that I don't really want? All because I'm worried about my job title on my resume? Worried about being a burden to all of the people at my office? Worried about what people will think if I fail? Worried that I will have to serve for the rest of my life? Does it really matter what anyone thinks? Maybe I need to start being a bit more selfish? Maybe my career choice is nonconventional and I have to take a path that is in the opposite direction of what society tells us we should be doing. So what. It's better to follow your heart and know that you gave it your all. It's better to start living in the moment, not the past or the future.
When I realized that I wanted to take the leap of faith to full-time freelancing (and being a mum) I felt nauseous. When I made up my mind that I would be leaving my job, I felt sick to my stomach for a full day. I decided I would allow myself to feel unsure of my decision, second-guess myself and think about going back for one week after I handed in my letter of resignation. Funny thing is, after I handed in the letter I felt completely calm and relieved. After a week of not second-guessing myself, the holidays hit and I thought maybe during the holidays I would regret my decision and beg for them to take me back. During the nice two week break, I felt happier than I've been in a long time—relaxed, confident and sure of myself. To add to it, my first day in my new "jobs" (freelance graphic designer and mum) I couldn't stop grinning. If people saw me today, they may have thought I was a bit crazier than I already am...haha.
I've come to realize I am extremely fortunate of the people I'm surrounded by. I have a supportive husband, friends and family who all believe in me. Who've listened to my maddening dilemmas for far too long about taking the leap of faith. And, for all of these people, I couldn't do it without you. Thank you. I've been so fortunate to have the job experience I've had in the past, and the clients that trust me to design their logo, website or any other marketing materials for that matter. This is a new year and a new chapter. My theme for 2018 is to always trust your gut and ultimately—follow your heart.